I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize