I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
