I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
