I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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