i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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