I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
