Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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