I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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