I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
