I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
