Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
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he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
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