Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I wear drunk well.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
