i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
