His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
