My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
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I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
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My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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