Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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