I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You work out of a Hotel?
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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