Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
