dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
