I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
