How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
