come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
