His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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