I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
