What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
