Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
