this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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