one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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