I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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