It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
