So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?