I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings