I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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