Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
