I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
