I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
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It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
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Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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