Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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