How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
