Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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