high people should be assigned attendants
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
