so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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