last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
