you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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