I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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