Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
