Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
