She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
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Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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