it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
