The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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