you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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