i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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