I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
