I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
