saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
