cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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