im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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