My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
