I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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