Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
