Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
