omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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