I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
